


wrong group chat, whoops

by peteroos



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Avengers Family, Confused Avengers, Fluff and Humor, Funny, Group chat, Meme Lord Peter Parker, Meme Lord Shuri (Marvel), Peter Parker & Shuri Friendship, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Peter Parker is a Mess, Peter is a Little Shit, Precious Peter Parker, Protective Avengers, Sad and Happy, The Author Regrets Nothing, The Avengers Are Good Bros, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Wanda Maximoff & Peter Parker Friendship, everyone is confused, im confused too, peter is a trendy teen, peter quoting vines
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-28
Updated: 2019-11-30
Packaged: 2020-02-09 08:33:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 5,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18634570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peteroos/pseuds/peteroos
Summary: in which the youngest avenger keeps texting the wrong group chat and leaves the team confused.(or, Peter Parker is a little shit and keeps quoting vines.)





	1. yeeted out of a building

lilpete: y’all guess what?

lilpete: i just got yeeted out of a building

lilpete: it was kinda awesome

lilpete: OH SHIT WRONG CHAT

lilpete: ignore everything i just said

natromanoff: you got yeeted out of a building? what does that even mean?

lilpete: haha nothing

lilpete: ignore what i said please and thank you

therealtonystark: wait a minute kid

lilpete: oh no

scarlettwitch: ooo this shit’s about to get real

buckybarnes: but what does yeeted mean? it is another modern word or something?

visionary: The yeet is a viral 2014 dance involving moving your shoulders and slightly bent legs together with arms outstretched. It inspired various memes and popularized yeet as an expression of excitement.

falcon: did you get that from google or something?

buckybarnes: i still don’t understand

natromanoff: nobody besides peter does

lilpete: excuSE ME

lilpete: and tHoUsAnDs oF OtHeR TeEnAgErS

therealtonystark: this conversation is not over

mr.america: did you get thrown off a building?

lilpete: no it was a joke

therealtonystark: do you want me to look at the security footage on your suit?

hulkbanner: oh damn papa bear tony

lilpete: bold of you to assume i was wearing my suit

therealtonystark: PETER PARKER YOU’D BETTER GET YOUR ASS HERE RIGHT NOW

hulkbanner:...

natromanoff:...

falcon:...

mr.america:...

visionary:...

buckybarnes:... 

scarlettwitch: it was nice knowing you peter

lilpete: mr. stark it was a joke

therealtonystark: get your butt into the lab right now

lilpete: oh my gOD i think aunt may’s calling me

lilpete: gotta go

lilpete: byeeee

therealtonystark: this discussion is not over

mr.america: dad of the year™ 

scarlettwitch: #irondad

natromanoff: yess #irondad

therealtonystark: WAIT

banner: ?

buckybarnes: ??

mr.america: ???

therealtonystark: PETER’S AUNT IS IN FLORIDA

scarlettwitch: that kid’s in deep shit now

natromanoff: agreed

banner: everyone pray for him

clinteastwood: okay wtf did i just miss


	2. fml

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the avengers don't understand peter's jokes and shit happens

therealtonystark: peter why did you add bleach to our grocery list?

mr.america: he did what?

clinteastwood: speaking of which, who’s turn is it to get this week’s grocery?

therealtonystark: you

mr.america: you

banner: you

natromanoff: it’s your turn, idiot

scarlettwitch: uh, you?

clinteastwood: okay okay i get it

clinteastwood: i’ll go in an hour

therealtonystark: and forget the bleach, the kid doesn’t need it

lilpete: yes i do

natromanoff: aren’t you supposed to be in class?

lilpete: keywords: ‘supposed’

lilpete: and yes, i need the bleach

scarlettwitch: why?

lilpete: i have a chem test tomorrow

therealtonystark: so?

therealtonystark: get back into class, young man. 

lilpete: okay fine

lilpete: but don’t forget the bleach clint please and thank you

clinteastwood: give me a good reason first

lilpete: i need it?

banner: not good enough

natromanoff: bleach can kill you…

lilpete: that’s exactly the point

scarlettwitch: peter are you okay

mr.america: if you need to talk, i’m here

natromanoff: me too

clinteastwood: same

lilpete: guys it’s fine

lilpete: i have a chem test tomorrow

mr.america: okay but why do you need bleach for it?

lilpete: imma kill myself so i don’t need to take my chem test tomorrow

scarlettwitch: what the hell peter

mr.america: i think we should talk about this

clinteastwood: i’m not getting that bleach if you're going to hurt yourself with it

therealtonystark: i’m calling Jude

natromanoff: your therapist?

therealtonystark: yep

lilpete: WTF NO

therealtonystark: seriously, peter, i dont want you to hurt yourself or even think about it.

clinteastwood: not the best time but #irondad

scarlettwitch: yess

lilpete: it was just a joke guys calm tf down

natromanoff: peter, honey, with you we can’t even tell if you’re joking or telling the truth so you may want to specify in future texts.

mr.america: agreed

scarlettwitch: true

banner: sums up peter’s personality

lilpete: wtf guys!

lilpete: this is betrayal

lilpete: i hate my life

natromanoff: was that a joke or…

lilpete: fuck my life

mr.america: LANGUAGE

banner: peter!

therealtonystark: i just got off the phone with Jude. you have an appointment for sunday afternoon

lilpete: I SWEAR TO GOD

lilpete: IT WAS A FUCKIN JOKE

lilpete: TAKE A JOKE

lilpete: I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE

lilpete: BYE

_lilpete has left this chat_

therealtonystark: did i say something wrong? I’m kinda new at this mentor/parent thing...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all for the positive feedback, it made my day! :)


	3. what up im jared

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> peter meets a new friend and quotes another vine
> 
> (and once again, people are confused.)

scarlettwitch: is anyone in the kitchen right now?

lilpete: i am

scarlettwitch: can you do me a favor?

natromanoff: don’t rely on Peter, Wanda.

scarlettwitch: true

visionary: i could do it for you ;)

scarlettwitch: ;)

lilpete: eww wtf is that

lilpete: yuck

lilpete: pda

scarlettwitch: that’s not even PDA, shithead

mr.america: LANGUAGE WANTA

lilpete: language wanTa

lilpete: im quaking

lilpete: literally shooketh rn

lilpete: somebody help im dying

lilpete: wanta

lilpete: help

scarlettwitch: do you want me to kill you?

lilpete: ...no...?

mr.america: i apologize, that was supposed to be wanda

mr.america: i still don’t know how to work this keyboard

buckybarnes: you’ve had this phone for a year steve

mr.america: your point?

lilpete: anyway, @scarlettwitch what do you need?

mr.america: woah how’d you do that?

buckybarnes: the ‘scarlettwitch’ turned blue

natromanoff: idiots

scarlettwitch: agreed

lilpete: anywaY wHaT dO yOu NeEd?

natromanoff: why do you keep doing that? It makes your texts hard to read

lilpete: iTs FuN

lilpete: okay but for the last time WHAT DO YOU NEED

scarlettwitch: do you see the paper taped to the wall in the kitchen?

lilpete: yeppp

lilpete: what about it?

scarlettwitch: can you read it and text me what it says?

lilpete: ...........

lilpete: no i can not

lilpete: what up im jared im 19 and i never fucking learned how to read

natromanoff: are you on drugs

mr.america: peter are you feeling okay?

buckybarnes: i think he needs Jude again

falcon: you are Peter Parker

visionary: you are 15 

therealtonystark: and i sure as hell hope you can read

mr.america: also PETER, watch your language, please.

_lilpete changed his username to jared ___

____

banner: pete, did you hit your head? 

therealtonystark: kid?

scarlettwitch: peter?

falcon: spiderling?

buckybarnes: demon child?

natromanoff: baby spider?

mr.america: spiderman?

godofthunder: Man Of Spiders?

jared: holy shit 

jared: it’s thor

jared: hey bro ily

godofthunder: What Does ILY Mean?

jared: i love you

godofthunder: ILYTC!

scarlettwitch: what does ILYTC mean?

godofthunder: I Love You Too Child

jared: yeet thor loves me

jared: anyway gotta blast my dudes

therealtonystark: for the last time peter, i’m not your dude.

jared: anyway gotta blast my dudes + mr. stark

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if i started adding some real writing chapters with the same theme (some vines are better said than texted) would y'all read? i'll keep doing texting though, that's just additional.


	4. mom's a what?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> peter is really a little piece of shit

A piece of paper hit Peter on the back of his head and he looked up. All the Avengers on his team were sitting down around him, in the living room, and he bit his lip, turning his gaze back down to his phone.

Another piece of paper hit him and he looked up again, scanning the room suspiciously. They were all watching him, amused smirks on their faces. It was obvious that his team members were doing it on purpose, and Peter rolled his eyes and focused back on his phone. Another piece of paper hit him and he coughed, trying to cover up a laugh.

Due to his spidey sense, he knew that Clint was the one throwing the crushed up balls of paper at him. Natasha, discreetly, thanks to her spy training, was making the little balls and passing them to the man. 

The others were all either looking amused or waiting anticipatingly for a reaction from him. Another ball, and then another one hit him and he sighed dramatically. 

“Your mom’s a hoe,” he murmured nonchalantly, attention still towards his phone.

It got the reaction from the others that he wanted, however. Sam was closest to him and his eye’s widened in disbelief. 

“What?”

“I didn’t quite catch that.”

“Could you repeat?”

Peter got up from his place on the couch and walk towards the edge of the room. He looked back at them smiling.

“I said, whoever threw that, your mom’s a hoe.”

Gasps of shock and protests went through the room. Peter grinned, watching them. Tony was jaw dropped and Steve had his eyes widened. Sam looked shocked but his reaction was milder. Wanda was more confused and so was Bucky. 

Clint was horrified. Peter had just called his mom a hoe. Natasha was appalled too.

“Oh, and FRIDAY,” Peter whispered as he turned and left the room, “Save the footage and send it to Shuri.”

“Right away, Mr. Parker,” FRIDAY replied.

“Hey!” Steve cried, “Peter, come here! We need to give you a lesson on language.”

“Aren’t you gonna say anything Tony?” Clint asked, “He called my mom a hoe!”

Tony sighed, “I have a feeling he was quoting another one of those mini videos he’s always watching.”

“Those videos are bad influences,” Natasha agreed.

“Actually,” Vision interrupted, “I find them quite funny.”

There was a thump from the hallway and Peter’s high, frazzled voice cut through. “Vision, what did you just say?!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all should read my original work on Wattpad! My username there is @lovelynirva <3 
> 
> Also, thanks for the great comments, they all really boosted my confidence!


	5. i'm lesbian

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'i did not think he'd do that...'

jared: AHHHH TOPANGA BAG OF PEACHES MAMAAAAAAAAAA

jared: sorry i just really had to let that out

smarterthanyou: peter you are my spirit animal

smarterthanyou: ilysm

jared: yeep ily toooo

smarterthanyou: whacha doin rn

jared: umm procrastinating like always

smarterthanyou: what a fat mood

jared: hbu

smarterthanyou: crying about life

jared: honestly tho

natromanoff: could you guys text in a private chat, i’m being spammed

scarlettwitch: ^

mr.america: ^^

t’challa: shuri, aren’t you supposed to be working

jared: sorry we do not take orders from a furry mr. black panther t’challa sir

smarterthanyou: nfieuwfinefwieuhfiIMWHEEZING

t’challa: shuri please

smarterthanyou: nooooooooo i wanna talk to my girlfriend

jared: that’s me people back the fuck off

smarterthanyou: hehehehehhehehe

therealtonystark: wait what

mr.america: for the millionth time, peter, language! I’m going to have to ground you if you don’t stop cursing 

jared: nooooo

smarterthanyou: you can not ground the love of my life

natromanoff: i kinda approve though

buckybarnes: wait did you say ‘my girlfriend?’

smarterthanyou: yes peter is my girlfriend

jared: i'm lesbian

smarterthanyou: i thought you were american

jared: yee haw bitch

mr.america: that’s it. you’re grounded

mr.america: come to the living room and give me your phone

jared: nooooooo

jared: mr. captain america steve rodgers sir captain sir 

jared: please

mr.america: first of all did he just call me mr. captain america steve rodgers sir captain sir 

mr.america: second of all, if you dont give me your phone i will come and take it

jared: SHIT HE’S COMING UP EJFWIRUHFOSJNFUHERIUFHSKJRNFIOUSHRIFUHSK

_jared changed his username to i’msorrycaptainpleaseforgivemesir ___

____

i’msorrycaptainpleaseforgivemesir: bye everyone i love you guys

i’msorrycaptainpleaseforgivemesir: imma probably die

i’msorrycaptainpleaseforgivemesir: bye i love each and everyone of you

i’msorrycaptainpleaseforgivemesir: stay awesome

natromanoff: did anyone hear that?

scarlettwitch: peter just yelled yeet and i think i heard glass shattering

buckybarnes: uh guys?

buckybarnes: he just jumped out the window

therealtonystark: he did what

mr.america: okay i didn’t think he’d do that

falcon: it’s official. steve and tony are pete’s dads.

clinteastwood: #irondad #captianpapa

scarlettwitch: amen

natromanoff: ^

buckybarnes: but guys i’m serious. he literally just jumped out of the window

smarterthanyou: that’s my girlfriend children

smarterthanyou: i’m so proud

smarterthanyou: what an icon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahh sevengya lavisemanaaaa
> 
> (also did you know the real lyrics is 'nants ingonyama bagithi baba sithi uhm ingonyama' because i did not.)
> 
> my life is a lie


	6. sister?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the gang finds out something about peter and someone new is introduced (well three new people but thats besides the point)

_[i’msorrycaptainpleaseforgivemesir changed his username to peterman] ___

____

peterman: hey you okay? you didn’t pick up my call this morning or now.

peterman: ugh wrong group chat again sorry

natromanoff: who were you texting?

peterman: maddie

scarlettwitch: is that your girlfriend of something

peterman: eww no

smarterthanyou: i’m his wifey remember?

peterman: haha madeline's my sister.

buckybarnes: you have a sister?

peterman: yeah but we kinda hate each other sooooo

godofsnakes: mood

peterman: o h

peterman: m y 

peterman: g o d

peterman: iT's mR lOki

smarterthanyou: did loki just say mood? my life is now complete.

peterman: *when an alien knows slang better than human adults*

godofsnakes: young midgardian humor is very funny

smarterthanyou: Y E S

scarlettwitch: but anyway, peter, you never told us you have a sister

natromanoff: ^

peterman: biologically she’s my cousin but we’re basically siblings

therealtonystark: aunt hottie's daughter?

peterman: stoP IT PLEASe

therealtonystark: you never told us you had a cousin/sister

peterman: because? it? never? came? up???

godofsnakes: yeah i wouldn’t brag about my brother either

godofthunder: Hey!

smarterthanyou: same

t'challa: hey!

scarlettwitch: me neither

speedysilver: HEY!

scarlettwitch: i'm just kidding i love you pietro

speedysilver: i love you too little sis

peterman: that was adorable

peterman: anyway, we don’t actually hate each other. in fact, she's my whole freaking world and if you hurt her i will hurt you

natromanoff: that's so pure.

therealtonystark: she doesn't live with you and may?

peterman: nope she’s at university in california rn

peterman: and she left a year ago and i’ve only known y’all for a few months

natromanoff: i want to meet her the next time she comes

peterman: hell nah

scarlettwitch: why not? she seems like a great person.

peterman: she is!

peterman: but the thing is...

peterman: i’d have to give her an excuse abt why i even know the avengers and the ‘intern’ thing wouldnt work cause she knows im a dumbass and i cant tell her im spiderman or she’ll f r e a k the f u c k out

mr.america: seriously, peter, stop cussing

buckybarnes: give up stevie he’s never going to stop

natromanoff: true

peterman: anyways bye guys imma call her one more time and then finish my homework

therealtonystark: good idea

natromanoff: bye паук

buckybarnes: see you later kid

peterman: byeee

_(2 minutes later) ___

____

scarlettwitch: did she pick up?

peterman: nope

peterman: she’s probably having sex with dylan or something

peterman: but anyway byee

godofsnakes: i really like this young child

therealtonystark: back off he’s my kid not yours

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy pride month y'all!
> 
> (i'm now taking requests for some one shots for this fic so comment your ideas below!!!)


	7. ™

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ™ ™ ™ ™ ™ ™ ™ ™ ™

peterman: the internet is literally quaking rn

smarterthanyou: ugh yess

peterman: it’s officially broken

therealtonystark: what do you mean?

peterman: …..

peterman: it’s too complicated to explain

smarterthanyou: search it up

smarterthanyou: gosh but the tEA

peterman: *takes a sip* tasty

smarterthanyou: like everyone was against him and then he had freaking receipts oh my god 

peterman: we stan a makeup queen

smarterthanyou: but honestly im neutral

peterman: same 

peterman: tati kinda stretched the truth wayyy too far and then basically ruined his career 

smarterthanyou: #cancelled

peterman: but james was like not today bitch and totally pulled uno reverse

smarterthanyou: and the memes that came from this situation

smarterthanyou: gold

peterman: ugh yes

peterman: also the whole entire internet is like falling apart soooo

smarterthanyou: funny thing though:

smarterthanyou: i have the JC palette

peterman: wowowowow did you destroy it?

smarterthanyou: umm no

smarterthanyou: it cost like 40 dollars

peterman: shuri you are a princess

peterman: you can probably buy anything you want

smarterthanyou: true dat

smarterthanyou: okay i gtg now my bro’s calling me

peterman: haha same i have homework

peterman: hasta la vista 

smarterthanyou: salut

_(4 minutes later) ___

____

therealtonystark: is it safe

buckybarnes: i think so

natromanoff: those kids need to text privately my phones blowing up

scarlettwitch: same!

banner: I have 7 PhDs and I still can't understand whatever they are saying.

buckybarnes: i’m 101 and confused

natromanoff: ™ 

buckybarnes: woah what was that

natromanoff: ™?

buckybarnes: yeah

natromanoff: it’s hard to explain

scarlettwitch: i kind of understand what they are saying cause vision was talking about the same thing a few days ago

scarlettwitch: theres some youtube fight going on

peterman: excuse me

peterman: it’s not a fight

peterman: it’s a WAR

therealtonystark: whatever kid

buckybarnes: where’d you come from?

banner: here we go again™ 

buckybarnes: great now you did it too

peterman: you mean this? ™ 

buckybarnes: yes

peterman: ™ ™ ™ ™ ™ ™ ™ 

buckybarnes: oh my jesus christ stop it kid

peterman: ™ ™ ™ ™ ™ ™ ™ ™ ™ ™ 

therealtonystark: go bother someone else kid

peterman: okay ™ 

buckybarnes: you’re lucky your so cute otherwise we’d have killed you by now

peterman: thanks for not killing me bucky ™ 

buckybarnes: FJSSSSSSSSSSRGFIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORJ

peterman: i will go now! ™ 

mr.america: peter stop that bucky just threw his phone at the wall 

peterman: did he yell yeet? ™ 

mr.america: ...no

peterman: too bad then ™ 

therealtonystark: this kid will be the death of all of us

peterman: damn right ™

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this chapter was kinda in honor of the whole james charles and tati thing. i don't know about you but i was pretty shook from all the drama
> 
> (ALSO PLEASE PLEASE GO READ MY OTHER NEW STORY!!!! THANK YOUUU XD)


	8. i'm a snek

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> loki is cool

peterman: one pound is fifteen dollars

peterman: how many do you want?

peterman: oh wrong chat again

peterman: srry

natromanoff: wait a minute

natromanoff: why does it sound like you are selling drugs?

peterman: wrong chat, okay? please leave it.

therealtonystark: hey don't show attitude kid

clinteastwood: pete could you sell some to me with family discount?

peterman: sure hmu

peterman: and i would totally  ~~never~~ sell drugs

scarlettwitch: wait me too i wanna get high

natromanoff: guys!

therealtonystark: peter, i'm serious. you'd better not selling drugs.

peterman: haha no

peterman: im not lol

peterman: im getting french fries for ned and mj

peterman: haha lmao y'all though i was selling weed

natromanoff: then why are you saying pounds?

peterman: because thats how the place sells it?

peterman: well now that we are already having this convo, anyone was fries?

godofthunder: Me

peterman: kay who else

godofmischief: me

peterman: loki?

godofmischief: it is i

peterman: eee

natromanoff: here goes peter with the fangirling

speedy: he still gets excited around me and wanda

scarlettwitch: it’s really funny to see actually

peterman: in my defense…

peterman: nevermind i have no defense

scarlettwitch: don’t worry peter i’m glad i have a fan like you

speedy: yes

peterman: you’re welcome? ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

godofthunder: Woah That Is Cool

therealtonystark: yeah kid how’d you do that?

peterman: go search it up? ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

peterman: anyway……hey loki?

godofmischief: yes child?

natromanoff: oh no

godofthunder: Brother You Better Not Make Young Parker Cry

therealtonystark: yeah, if you make pete cry i'll kill you

peterman: guys its fine

godofmischief: i’ll never harm a child

peterman: ⁱ'ᵐ ⁿᵒᵗ ᵃ ᶜʰⁱˡᵈ

therealtonystark: keep telling yourself that

peterman: ughhhh y’all suck

godofmischief: this is why i tried to take over earth. you midgardians need serious help.

peterman: ＃ｅｘｐｏｓｅｄ

natromanoff: how do you change your fonts?

peterman: my secret

peterman: but seriously, loki, i wanna ask you a question

godofmischief: yes youngling?

peterman: is it true that you can turn into a snek

therealtonystark: a what?

scarlettwitch: OMG

scarlettwitch: i get this reference!!!!!!

vision: i’ve taught you well :)

peterman: ayyyy wanda now you can be in our honorary gen-z club!

godofmischief: to answer your question, yes i can turn into a snek.

peterman: coolio

buckybarnes: okay but what the hell is a snek

peterman: oh hey bucky ™

buckybarnes: nevermind i’m out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope y'all like the chapter!


	9. insects and bees

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sam and clint are birdbrains

peterman: my name is peter b. parker. the b stands for beatrice. except i don't like beatrice. i just like b and that's all.

 

therealtonystark: umm okay?

 

banner: i thought your middle name is benjamin

 

peterman: nah it’s beatrice

 

smarterthanyou: where’s the bee?

 

scarlettwitch: there’s a bee?

 

peterman: @smarterthanyou sorry to break it to you hun but wrong reference

 

peterman: also wanda i'm so proud of you. you’re becoming a true member of our club.

 

scarlettwitch: thank you!!! <3

 

peterman: :)

 

smarterthanyou: yeah it seemed different

 

peterman: it’s from the junie b. jones books

 

smarterthanyou: haha never heard of it

 

peterman: *gasps* U N C U L T U R E D

 

smarterthanyou: oh shut up

 

smarterthanyou:  ~~i didn't waste my childhood on useless american books~~. i was busy being a genius 

 

peterman: true

 

peterman: but just for the sake of it:

 

peterman: hello my name is peter with a b and i’ve been afraid of insects my whole life

 

smarterthanyou: stop stop stop where?

 

peterman: hmm?

 

scarlettwitch: where’s the b?

 

peterman: there’s a bEE?

 

falcon: peter you’re literally spiderman

 

clinteastwood: yeah kid how’re you afraid of insects when you are one?

 

mr.america: uh oh

 

therealtonystark: i advise you guys to hide

 

natromanoff: well damn

 

banner: oh no

 

scarlettwitch: oof

 

vision: 😮

 

falcon: what’s wrong?

 

clinteastwood: why do we need to hide?

 

smarterthanyou: you really don’t know?

 

therealtonystark: the kid’s probably gonna declare war on you

 

smarterthanyou: my girlfriends gonna fry y’all

 

scarlettwitch: someone get the popcorn

 

natromanoff: i’ll get it

 

clinteastwood: okay but seriously what's going on?

 

falcon: peter looks like he’s gonna throw us off a building

 

banner: he might

 

therealtonystark: i like how we’re all just sitting together in the common room just waiting for peter to respond

 

banner: he’s glaring at his phone now

 

peterman: @clinteastwood @falcon

 

peterman: what you said really proves that both of you are stupid birdbrains

 

peterman: now normally, i would declare a war.

 

peterman: but today i feel generous

 

falcon: umm thank you?

 

peterman: shut up i’m not done

 

peterman: i don’t have the energy to argue or fight with two morons

 

peterman: so lemme just give you two doofus’s a warning:

 

peterman:  SAT THAT AGAIN AND I'LL END YOU, GOT IT?

 

clinteastwood: yes sir

 

falcon: affirmative

 

peterman: yay! imma go get some basin robbins now, bye!

 

clinteastwood: okay what just happened?

 

clinteastwood: and are we excusing the fact that peter called us bad language words?

 

mr.america: i’m letting it slide this time because you deserved it...

 

falcon: and can someone explain what we did wrong?

 

natromanoff: *facepalms*

 

therealtonystark: spiders are arachnids, dumbass

 

clinteastwood: yeah and arachnids are insects

 

natromanoff: *facepalms again*

 

banner: no they aren't

 

falcon: yeah they are

 

clinteastwood: imma google it, one sec

 

_(one minute later)_

 

clinteastwood: ...oh……

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ugh the nostagia. did anyone else read the junie b. jones books? they were literally my childhood...


	10. nutshell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> maddie is back!

peterman @pparker

i’m bored

 

maddieee @madelineparker

nobody cares

 

peterman @pparker

wow thanks

 

maddieee @madelineparker

no problem.

 

peterman @pparker

i kinda miss you asshole

 

maddieee @madelineparker

miss you too dickhead

 

shuri @princessofwakanda

^chaotic sibling energy

 

Tony Stark @IAmIronMan

@madelineparker so you must be the famous sibling of peter parker

 

maddieee @madelineparker

and you are?

 

shuri @princessofwakanda

i’m-

 

Tony Stark @IAmIronMan

You don’t know who I am?

 

maddieee @madelineparker

sorry not sorry. my favs are black widow, scarlet witch, and captain marvel. (and winter soldier cause he’s kinda hot…)

 

dydydylan @dylanscott

I’m not even jealous, it’s kinda true…

 

peterman @pparker

DYLANNNNNNNNNN

 

dydydylan @dylanscott

hey pete!

 

Natasha Romanoff @blackwidow

@madelineparker Well, Madeline, you have a pretty good taste.

 

Carol Danvers @CaptainMarvel

@madelineparker Yes, you definitely do.

 

Wanda @ScarletWitch

@madelineparker Yep

 

Bucky @JBarnes

@madelineparker hello ;)

 

maddieee @madelineparker

excuse me one-second imma go scream in my pillow for a little bit

 

maddieee @madelineparker

black widow typed my name O H M Y G O D all my idols are tweeting me sksksksksksksksksksk

 

dydydylan @dylanscott

um okay she’s literally screaming into her pillow it’s hurting my ears

 

maddieee @madelineparker

@pparker @pparker @pparker @pparker @pparker @pparker @pparker @pparker

 

peterman @pparker

yeah?

 

maddieee @madelineparker

fljnewlnflwnelfnlfnjwbnkjhnfkjwnlnforjhfouhwnkjnfkjcryguisknfsiefyuiwhfncedgfoIMFREAKINGOUTHELPejfbisbefkjbwfebweibfiweubfkebkfbewibf

 

peterman @pparker

it’s okay just let it out

 

maddieee @madelineparker

aw shit

 

peterman @pparker

?

 

maddieee @madelineparker

i gotta go i have class in like two minutes

 

peterman @pparker

hahaha sucks for youuuuuuu

 

maddieee @madelineparker

fuck you 

 

Natasha Romanoff @blackwidow

Have a nice class, Madeline.

 

Carol Danvers @CaptainMarvel

^ Enjoy it!

 

Bucky @JBarnes

@madelineparker I look forward to talking to you later :)

 

dydydylan @dylanscott

@JBarnes look i’m making an exception for you cause i’m a bi disaster and you’re really hot but that's my girlfriend

 

maddieee @madelineparker

i love you

 

dydydylan @dylanscott

I love you too

 

maddieee @madelineparker

babe, i was taking to the winter soldier

 

Bucky @JBarnes

Call me Bucky ;)

 

dydydylan @dylanscott

ₕₒw ₐₘ ᵢ ₛᵤₚₚₒₛₑd ₜₒ cₒₘₚₑₜₑ wᵢₜₕ ₜₕₐₜ

 

maddieee @madelineparker

i’m just kidding honey,  you’ll always be mine <3

  


dydydylan @dylanscott

Love you too babe 😘

 

maddieee @madelineparker

love you more 💕

 

peterman @pparker

@madelineparker @dylanscott ｇｅｔ ａ ｆｕｃｋｉｎｇ ｒｏｏｍ

 

maddieee @madelineparker

@pparkerｆｕｃｋｉｎｇ ｍａｋｅ ｍｅ

 

peterman @pparker

(ง'̀-'́)ง

 

maddieee @madelineparker

(ง ͠° ͟ʖ ͡°)ง

 

Tony Stark @IAmIronMan

Is this normal?

 

dydydylan @dylanscott

yep.

 

shuri @princessofwakanda

any sibling relationship in a nutshell lmao

****

**_ONE HOUR AND AN INTENSE EMOJI FIGHT BETWEEN @PETERMAN AND @MADELINEPARKER LATER,_ **

 

Tony Stark @IAmIronMan

Is it just me, or is Maddie literally Peter in a girl’s body?

 

Bucky @JBarnes

You’re not the only one thinking that.

 

Natasha Romanoff @blackwidow

has it ever occurred to you that they're cousins and literally grew up together in the same house?

 

Tony Stark @IAmIronMan

true i guess

 

Carol Danvers @CaptainMarvel

lol i think their relationship's kinda cute.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> follow me on instagram! [@nirvalillii] (it's my personal account, so feel free to DM me cause i'm always bored and i need friends to talk to haha)


	11. fuck ya chicken strips

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> things escalate... literally...

smarterthanyou: hey guys i'm eating chicken strips hbu?

 

peterman: fuck ya chicken strips

 

therealtonystark: underoos!

 

peterman: FUCK YA CHICKEN STRIPS

 

mr.america: Peter Benjamin Parker!

 

buckybarnes: god peter that was kinda rude

 

peterman: whatever™ 

 

buckybarnes: god i hate you

 

peterman: love you too™ 

 

smarterthanyou: that’s mean peter

 

smarterthanyou: my chicken strips are great and amazing

 

peterman: fuck ya fucking chicken strips

 

smarterthanyou: damn

 

smarterthanyou: you know what?

 

smarterthanyou: i’m about to say it

 

smarterthanyou: ᵢ dₒₙ'ₜ cₐᵣₑ ₜₕₐₜ yₒᵤ bᵣₒₖₑ yₒᵤᵣ ₐᵣₘ

 

peterman: i— 

 

peterman: i— i’m— 

 

peterman: i’m… i’m afraid we need to break up

 

smarterthanyou: i agree

 

smarterthanyou: you know i thought this could work

 

peterman: same…

 

smarterthanyou: damn it peter, i really loved you

 

peterman: oh, so this is my fault?

 

smarterthanyou: yes it fucking is

 

peterman: whatever

 

peterman: screw you anyway

 

smarterthanyou: i can’t believe this is happening.

 

smarterthanyou: this was good of us. for you.

 

peterman: how do you know wHAT’S GOOD FOR ME

 

smarterthanyou: THATS MY OPINION

 

peterman: well fuck your opinion

 

smarterthanyou: SHUT UP

 

peterman: a quien estas diciendo shut up tu? a mi me estas diciendo shut up?

 

smarterthanyou: shit i’m sorry _mom_

 

peterman: god i can’t believe this

 

peterman: this is how it ends?

 

smarterthanyou: jokes on you peter i don’t even need you anymore. i love mj more than you anyway

 

peterman: C H E A T E R

 

peterman: ROYAL MR. BLACK PANTHER T’CHALLA YOUR HONOR SIR 

 

t’challa: umm yes?

 

peterman: YOUR SISTER IS CHEATING ON ME

 

t’challa: i’d like to stay out of this please

 

peterman: FUCK YOU SHURI

 

smarterthanyou: FUCK YOU MORE PETER

 

peterman: i can’t believe you’ve done this

 

smarterthanyou: go to hell

 

peterman: right back at you

 

_peterman has left this conversation_

 

smarterthanyou: what a coward

 

therealtonystark: um what just happened

 

natromanoff: i— 

 

scarlettwitch: damn they nailed four vines

 

vision: ikr 

 

therealtonystark: what

 

buckybarnes: okay i’m so confused

 

mr.america: i agree

 

godofthunder: Is The Child Of Spiders Okay?

 

t’challa: shuri, what on earth was that?

 

falcon: that was a horrible break up i feel bad for both of them

 

  


* * *

 

 

 

pparker: shuri did it work?

 

shuriiiii: that was w i l d

 

pparker: and fun

 

pparker: we should totally do that again

 

shuriiiii: and we used so many vines i’m so proud of us

 

pparker: ikr our improv is so good

 

shuriiiii: dude they’re all so confused this is so funny

 

shuriiiii: [screenshot]

 

shuriiiii: [screenshot]

 

pparker: omg this is gold

 

shuriiiii: oh god look what stark said

 

shuriiiii: [screenshot]

 

pparker: okay i’m totally saving this

 

shuriiiii: i’ll add you back to the chat now

 

pparker: wait lemme change my username on there

  


* * *

 

 

 

_peterman changed his username to screwyoushuri_

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

pparker: there now add me back

 

shuriiiii: wait lemme change mine too

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

_smarterthanyou changed her username to petergotohell_

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

shuriiiii: ready?

 

pparker: hell yeah.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope y'all liked, comment your thoughts! (also sorry if this is crappy, i just took a four hour sat practice test lol)


	12. everyone loves nat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> nat is amazing

screwyoushuri: soooo 

 

screwyoushuri: i made a mistake?

 

petergotohell: ooo spill the tea sis

 

speedysilver:  🍵🍵🍵 = spill

 

scarlettwitch: spill the teaaaaaa

 

visionary: spill the  🍵🍵🍵

 

petergotohell: first of all vision and wanda and pietro im so proud of you

 

screwyoushuri: yes my dudes y’all amazing

 

visionary: why thank you

 

scarlettwitch: tyyy

 

speedysilver: thanks peter ily

 

scarlettwitch: okay but seriously spill

 

natromanoff: yes peter, spill the tea.

 

screwyoushuri: i— 

 

petergotohell: i’m— 

 

scarlettwitch: well damn

 

screwyoushuri: i’m proud but why the h e l l did you add a period and comma

 

visionary: yeah true that looks weird lmao

 

petergotohell: ^vision is a true gen z man look at that textin

 

scarlettwitch: hes a great teacher

 

speedysilver: yepp he taught us everything

 

natromanoff: can i join your club ive been practicing

 

mr.america: NO

 

therealtonystark: NOT NAT

 

therealtonystark: SHE’S ON OUR SIDE NOT YOURS

 

buckybarnes: yeah nat’s ours

 

screwyoushuri: no one asked for your opinion bucky screw off™ 

 

buckybarnes: that won’t affect me anymore peter

 

screwyoushuri changed his username to nobodylikesbucky 

 

buckybarnes: that doesn’t affect me either

 

nobodylikesbucky: worth a try

 

_ nobodylikesbucky changed his username to peterman _

 

_ petergotohell changed her username to shurii _

 

mr.america: i like bucky

 

peterman: that’s cause you’re fucking him

 

natromanoff: 

 

therealtonystark:

 

clinteastwood: 

 

falcon: 

 

scarlettwitch: 

 

visionary: 

 

banner: 

 

shurii: 

 

speedysilver: 

 

t’challa:

 

GodOfThunder: 

 

godofsnakes: 

 

mr.america: well…

 

mr.america: you’re not wrong

 

mr.america: but i do love him

 

buckybarnes: good to know punk

 

mr.america: jerk

 

peterman: this is so wholesome

 

peterman: i ship it 10000% 

 

natromanoff: anyways, i’ve practiced

 

natromanoff: can i join

 

shurii: sure! but we gotta quiz you first sorry

 

natromanoff: no problem i’m prepared

 

peterman: okay

 

therealtonystark: NO NAT PLEASE

 

clinteastwood: PLEASE NAT NO 

 

falcon: YOU HAVE TO STAY ON OUR SIDE

 

natromanoff: you guys are old and boring

 

natromanoff: i’m joining the kiddos

 

peterman: yeeeee ms natasha i love you

 

natromanoff: i love you too ребенок паук

 

shurii: wholesome

 

scarlettwitch: omg yes

 

peterman: ms natasha, how did you take down captain america?

 

natromanoff: we shot him in ze legs because his shield is the size of a dinner plate, and he’s an idiot.

 

mr.america: wait what

 

therealtonystark: um what

 

peterman: YOU PASSED

 

peterman: WELCOME TO THE TEAMMMMMMMMM

 

peterman: EEEEE IM SO HAPPY WE HAVE MS NATASHA ON OUR SIDE

 

scarlettwitch: YESSS I LOVE YOU NAT

 

natromanoff: i love you too маленькая ведьма

 

speedysilver: i also love youuuu

 

natromanoff: me too малыш гепард

 

scarlettwitch: HEY YOU CAN BE OUR HONORARY MOM CAUSE PETER AND I AND PIETRO DONT HAVE ANY PARENTS

 

peterman: OMG YES I’VE ALWAYS WANTED A MOM

 

speedysilver: YESSSSSS I WANT A MOM TOO

 

buckybarnes: …

 

mr.america: well that’s kinda… 

 

therealtonystark: depressing. 

 

natromanoff: i’d love too

 

peterman: YAY LET’S CELEBRATE MOM COME TO WANDA AND PIETRO’S FLOOR

 

scarlettwitch: YES I WANNA HANG OUT WITH MY NEW MOM

 

speedysilver: ME TOO I LOVE HER

 

natromanoff: i’ll be there in three minutes :)

 

peterman: YAYAYAYAY

 

therealtonystark: okay but i gotta admit that whole thing was so cute

 

buckybarnes: ...wait peter you never told us what mistake you made...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ребенок паук - baby spider  
> маленькая ведьма - little witch  
> малыш гепард - baby cheetah


	13. will you marry me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> okay i have no idea what the heck this is but i hope you like it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think my humor is dying im running out of ideas

peterman @pparker

if i get one like i will leak embarrassing photos of my sister

 

peterman @pparker

oh would you look at that

 

maddie @madelineparker

you liked your own fucking post i swear to g o d

 

peterman @pparker

 

 

maddie @madelineparker

peter i swear to fucking god

 

maddie @madelineparker

MOM 

 

may @mayparker

peter, stop bothering your sister, please.

 

peterman @pparker

but it’s fun

 

maddie @madelineparker

WHY DID YOU AND DAD ADOPT HIM WHYYY IM DISOWNING YOU

 

peterman @pparker

that’s rude

 

may @mayparker

if you both don’t stop arguing i’ll leak embarrassing photos of both of you

 

peterman @pparker

NO AUNT MAY IM SORRY

 

maddie @madelineparker

MOM NO

 

Tony Stark @IAmIronMan

Do it, May. Leak them.

 

dydydylan @dylanscott

yeah mom-in-law! do it!

 

maddie @madelineparker

DYLAN YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE ON MY SIDE also she’s not your mom in law yet

 

dydydylan @dylanscott

soon ;)

 

maddie @madelineparker

wait what

 

dydydylan @dylanscott

we’ve been dating since junior year and i’ve come to a realization that i want to spend the rest of my life with you. 

 

maddie @madelineparker

oh my gosh

 

dydydylan @dylanscott

i know this is sudden, but madeline parker, will you marry me?

 

maddie @madelineparker

holy fuck 

 

peterman @pparker

enwoiejdoijejfiewoWHAT

 

maddie @madelineparker

wait did you just propose to me on twitter

 

dydydylan @dylanscott

open the front door, honey

 

may @mayparker

update: peter and i are crying in the kitchen together

 

**[four minutes later]**

 

maddie @madelineparker 

i said yes :)

 

may @madelineparker

you have my blessings. i love you both so much <3

 

peterman @pparker

i’m so happy for you guys. both of you deserve the whole world :)

 

peterman @pparker

also, on a completely unrelated topic, im finding the first flight to california

 

peterman @pparker

aunt may and i are crying on the couch together, by the way. i can barely see the computer screen

 

maddie @madelineparker

dude we’re both crying right now too

 

dydydylan @dylanscott

you still look cute <3

 

maddie @madelineparker

god, i love you so fucking much

 

Natasha Romanoff @blackwidow

Congratulations! 

 

Carol Danvers @CaptainMarvel

I wish you all the best :)

 

Tony Stark @IAmIronMan

On behalf of the Avengers, we’re inviting ourselves to your wedding. 

 

dydydylan @dylanscott 

… tony stark just followed me?... and wants to be at my wedding… whats going on?...

 

maddie @madelineparker

^^^ dude all the avengers just followed me like a second ago what's actually going on??

 

may @madelineparker

oh i forgot to tell you. tony is peter’s dad now.

 

maddie @madelineparker 

lmao what???

 

dydydylan @dylanscott

okaY no offense but what am i getting myself into

 

maddie @madelineparker

^^^ 

 

maddie @madelineparker

uh mom is pete okay?

 

may @mayparker

he’s currently sobbing into my lap. he’s just processing, don't worry.

 

Bucky @JBarnes

Congrats on the engagement!

 

dydydylan @dylanscott

okay this is gonna sound weird but would you be interested in a threesome

 

maddie @madelineparker

^^^ ;)

 

peterman @pparker

what the fuck, guys

 

peterman @pparker

he’s a fucking senior citizen

 

may @mayparker

this family gives me grey hairs

  
  


**BONUS:**

 

_[private text]_

 

peter: hey maddie?

 

peter: uncle ben would be proud of you.

 

maddie: thanks pete. 

 

maddie: he’d be proud of you too, swinging around and saving people

 

peter: uhhh what are you talking about?

  
maddie: im not dumb, kiddo. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you liked it! <3


	14. fuck buzzfeed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> peter parker's lip sync battle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pretend the lip sync battle says peter parker and not tom holland :)

therealtonystark: so guys

 

therealtonystark: guess what i found

 

buckybarnes: what

 

mr.america: what

 

falcon: what

 

natromanoff: what

 

scarlettwitch: what

 

speedysilver: what

 

therealtonystark: brace yourselves

 

therealtonystark:

            

     

buckybarnes: holy mother of god

 

mr.america: what the hell

 

speedysilver: woah peter you’re looking fine ;)

 

scarlettwitch: damn petey-pie slay

 

peterman: wait why is everyone saying my name

 

peterman: o shit

 

therealtonystark: but wait there’s more

 

peterman: nooo mr stark

 

therealtonystark:

        

        

therealtonystark:

        

 

therealtonystark:

        

 

peterman: omg stop

 

speedysilver: woah queen

 

falcon: what the hell are these photos

 

mr.america: peter please explain

 

peterman: mr. stark

 

peterman: where’d you even get thESE

 

therealtonystark: it went viral

 

peterman: it w h A T

 

therealtonystark: oh look i found the full video

 

therealtonystark: [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b0nNTklOKRA ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b0nNTklOKRA)

 

buckybarnes: what the hell did i just see

 

falcon: peter i’m confused

 

natromanoff: ребенок паук you can dance!

 

mr.america: what did i just watch

 

buckybarnes: ^^

 

falcon: i’m still confused

 

buckybarnes: same man

 

mr.america: i agree

 

clinteastwood: ^^^

 

peterman: old people smh

 

scarlettwitch: shots f i r e d

 

peterman: wait wait it went viral???????????????????

 

therealtonystark: yup BuzzFeed found the video and reposted it in one of their articles

 

peterman: holy fucking shit

 

peterman: i think i’m gonna go crawl in a hole and die

 

buckybarnes: the real question is what the hell

 

falcon: i think i need bleach

 

scarlettwitch: y’all shut up

 

scarlettwitch: peter s l a y e d 

 

scarlettwitch: ur just jealous you don’t have that body

 

silverspeedy: and that you can’t dance like that

 

peterman: *spits out his juice* lmao thank you wandaaaa and pietroooo ilyyy

 

natromanoff: i agree though peter where’d you learn to dance like that? those spins were on point

 

peterman: i used to take dance when i was little with maddie but i had to quit

 

peterman: but ty mom

 

therealtonystark: peter

 

peterman: yea

 

therealtonystark: i know you might be okay with this and i’m really proud of you because that's a really bold thing to have the guts to do but i can sue buzzfeed for reposting it and putting it in their article without your consent because you’re a minor

 

peterman: you can?

 

peterman: oh wait ur tony stark

 

peterman: of course you can

 

peterman:

      

 

therealtonystark: peter you’re gonna make me cry

 

peterman: i love you mr. stark

 

therealtonystark: i love you too kiddo

 

peterman: hey mr. stark

 

therealtonystark: yea kid?

 

peterman: if i did something super controversial rn would you back me up cause it would really help to have tony stark on my side

 

therealtonystark: of course i would

 

peterman: yee okay one sec

  
  


**(one minute later)**

  
  


peterman @pparker

 

    fuck you @buzzfeed

  
  
  
  
  


 

 

**BONUS:**

 

natromanoff: are we ignoring the fact that that was the cutest exchange ever

 

clinteastwood: tony you’re a good dad

 

pepperpotts: why is tony crying

 

pepperpotts: oh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you liked the chapter! comment any one-shot ideas below because i may start another series or extend this one :)) also i need ideas helpp


End file.
